The couch of horrors

Upon first moving into this place, one of the more prominent pieces of furniture was the couch and chair set. Solid, tan/brown colored furniture with rounded edges, it looks fairly nice. (Note the blanket. It's a favorite spot to curl up with a book in the evening, or to sit and stare at the stars at night)
The GN(government of nunavut, the ones who own/provide the apartment I'm in) must have gotten a really good deal on this furniture, because from what I've seen, every apartment here must have the same couch and chair set. There's a little discussion over what the fabric is made of, some sort of microfiber/fake suede is our best guess. Over the last 3 months (3 months! I can't believe I've actually been here that long! Wow!), a few minor issues with this furniture have surfaced.

1. Static cling. I'm not talking about your namby-pamby clothes dryer version of static cling. I mean the dust the couch brushed against outside when the movers were bringing it in is still permanently embedded in the couch! I have vaccumed with the beater bar, I have used cloths wet and dry, I've tried my bare hands. The neighbors tried bounce sheets etc. NOTHING, will remove the feel of a handful of crumbs stuck to the couch. They're moveable, so it's not just the weave of the fabric. Someone else mentioned to me that they could literally see the dust/crumbs they had just removed from the couch get pulled back to the couch via static from inches away. They must be microfiber, nothing else picks up dust that efficiently.

2. Static shocks. I could have mentioned this under static cling, but it really deserves it's own category. I've never seen static this bad in my life! I will admit, it may have something to do with low humidity. Last month, it got to the point where I would stand up from the couch and hear a crackling noise, as my pants set off at least 5 or 6 static sparks getting off the couch. One of the neighbors mentioned seeing bright blue sparks when they went to touch someone or pick something up. I became hesistant of touching anything metal. I mentioned it at work, that everytime I touched the computer I got a shock, and I was told to be careful of damaging the computer, that I should touch something else to diffuse the shock. Which would be all well and good, if it weren't for the fact that I can touch something else, get shocked, and touch the computer, and get shocked again. When I got to the point that I was scared to touch even my cutlery, I knew I had to do something about the shock factory. So I put away my idea on holding off to get a humidifier, and went straight to the store and bought the biggest one they had.
It goes constantly and I still can't get the humidity beyond the lowest setting. This place is DRY. Luckily, I rarely get shocked anymore. I still blame the couch though!

3. No cushioning/poor springs. For the first couple of months, I didn't notice it. Recently though, I have to sit very carefully. I've worn in the couch already! You can feel the springs digging into your butt if you sit too long, or in the wrong spot. I was trying to think what to do about it, and realized I have a body pillow that would work wonders on the couch. So I now have great butt padding!

All I need now is a cheap way to cover up the couch so I don't have to deal with the crumb issue. I don't want to worry that I can't have a snack while watching a movie. Who knows how deep in crumbs and dust this couch will get before I find a solution to removing them! On the plus side, the fabric appears to be somewhat impervious to stains. I've checked!

Today's high: -24C, Low: -27C Windspeed: 26-48km/hr gusting up to 54km/hr. Windchill: up to -45
Sunrise: 8:28am Sunset: 14:14 (2:14pm)