Learning

I don't like not knowing things, especially not knowing how to do things... but then, does that surprise any of you? If you know me, you know it's true. I want to either know something and know it well, backwards and forwards, or admittedly know nothing about it. I don't like being the learner, the beginner, the one who always needs help with things. I like to learn new things, I just don't like broadcasting the learning process. Or the beginning stages of it. Which is why I don't like cardiac patients, because I know way too little about heart problems, how they're diagnosed or fixed... but my boss is making me learn how to read ECG's, and I'm learning only because it will be reflected badly on my file if I don't learn. So that's what I have to do tomorrow, I have a friend helping me, because I know nothing, I will admit I suck, and I will accept help to learn the new thing because I have to learn it.

On the other hand, there are a whole list of things I would really love to learn, but I want to do it quietly, on my own time, with no one to watch me mess up. So when I got a guitar (that I helped pay for) for my birthday a couple years ago, I vowed to learn it when no one else was home, using lessons off the internet, so I wouldn't embarrass myself. But I'm learning that guitars are harder than they look! It seems like every other person and their dog play guitar. And some people can teach themselves. But apparently not me. It is time to admit that I can't teach myself. Two years, and I can't even play a couple chords. (Well, I can play them, but not consistently) Because I hate the process of developing calluses on my soft girly fingers that scream at me as they dig into the strings.
And then... then I went and opened my big mouth tonight when out with friends... mentioned I have a guitar. And now they want to get together to learn and practice songs... I tried explaining I can't play... somehow the fact that I OWN a guitar means I must know something, and therefore must participate. And so now... I need to not embarrass myself. Now I need to develop calluses, learn the chords, do something, so I'm at very least a beginner player. What am I getting myself into?
I folded, and asked for help from a friend back home who plays guitar, and coincidentally teaches guitar. Well, technically I messaged him saying "guitars are hard!"... He knew what I was trying to say, offered some tips on how to get going, strengthen fingers, develop calluses, develop confidence. And knowing him, he'll check up on me... and so long as I'm accountable to someone, I'll put some effort into it. I think that's my problem generally, I need to have deadlines, accountability, or things just get pushed off to the side. Maybe I should splurge on lessons. Wouldn't hurt anything but my pride. And that could stand to come down a few notches.