Wow. How arrogant am I? Somehow, all these plans and planning became about me. Somehow, I started to leave God out of the picture. And that's when I started spiraling into a destructive overwhelming feeling. One that left me not wanting to do any more. Yes, there is a lot happening right now, lots of emotions, lots of last minute details. And that's what my focus was on. I've spent the last week feeling worse and worse about the whole thing, and talking with friends would only cheer me up briefly.
I realized about an hour ago that I had the house to myself and it was the perfect time to get my mind focused on God. And you know what happened? My little brother dropped by ten minutes into it and interrupted my quiet time. At first I almost let it go and visited for a bit, and then I realized I really needed to let him do his thing and I needed to do mine. So I left and pulled out my bible. And I read, and I prayed. I admit, I was reading random passages, which isn't always the best way to do things, but sometimes it works. I finished with Psalms, as I often do... and there in Psalm 121:1 "I lift up my eyes to the hills -- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." I haven't been lifting my eyes to the source of my help, not and really recognizing it. I am too much of a do-it-yourself type. I wait until things very nearly are going wrong to give in and ask for help. I could go on, but I don't want to sermonize here. Suffice it to say I had the wake-up call I needed.
Time to get moving, lots to do still.